If you live here, you're going to be asked which fútbol team you support. Pick wisely — it matters socially.

Bogotá: Millonarios or Santa Fe. (Millonarios is bigger; Santa Fe is older. Both have devoted fans. Choose one and stick with it.)

Medellín: Atlético Nacional or Independiente Medellín ("DIM"). Nacional is the bigger and more decorated; DIM is the romantic underdog. I am DIM. I will not apologize.

Cali: América de Cali or Deportivo Cali. Picking the wrong one in the wrong bar is a problem.

Coffee Axis: Once Caldas (Manizales) is the main name.

Don't say you're "neutral." That's not a thing here.